TRANNY SHAGGERS

Now, I’m no Samantha Brick, but I have, however, bagged myself a good deal of men in my time. (I’ve also romanced a fair few women, but that’s another matter.) From 18 to 48, muscular to skinny; from the stupid to the smart and the rich to the poor; white men, black men, Brits, Americans, Asians and Irish; Tom, Dick and Harry have all had a slice of the Paris pie. Discrimination sucks. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, and so, in my wilder years, I would always cast my nets wide. In other words, on the subject of men who sleep with trans women, I can, with some legitimacy, claim expert status.

Many of these men were dicks. Most of them, actually. I loved them all at the time, naturally, but my admiration for them was discarded routinely with the condom wrappers. My life is different now, but my retrospective opinion of these men suggests that they were, on the whole, pathetic, deceptive, selfish and cruel. Obviously, my findings do not apply to all Men Who Sleep With Trans Women, just a significant subcategory: Men Who Slept With Paris. It is from this special (and of course historical) subgroup that I shall now draw some universal truths…

Some men find some trans women highly attractive. Some of these men are perfectly well-behaved and respect their sexual partners.

Transmisogyny is widespread but this cannot be divorced from social pressure on men to conform. Many trans people – who did not transition till adulthood – should well understand that fear of social ostracism can, and does, lead to duplicitous and insensitive behaviour. Many men who desire trans women behave in exactly the same way for exactly the same reasons.

Are they fetishists though? ‘Gay’, ‘straight’ and ‘bi’ don’t really describe sexual attraction towards trans women with penises. ‘Tranny shaggers’ is used, I suppose. There’s an unfortunate social dynamic, ‘cotton ceiling’ if you will, that makes these men ashamed of such desires. As a result, they may compartmentalise, objectify and disrespect trans women. No excuse, of course, but worth noting.

I’d also suggest that not all trans women who find themselves the willing object of these attentions are themselves free of internalised transphobia.

The resulting behaviours may seem loveless. In the male ‘chaser’ it might be described as sleazy, perverse or fetishistic. The trans woman, as described in Blanchard’s theory of autogynephilia, may only feel able to ‘enact’ femininity and fear the intimacy of all but anonymous sex.

Men throughout history have treated ‘unacceptable’ women (whether due to class, race, disability or sexual knowledge) with a similar degree of contempt. Disrespect for these women’s identities and indeed their humanity is common because they are seen as ‘less than women’. Misogyny, in a word.

Many sites fetishise trans women. Is this different from gay or straight hook up sites?

Classifying attraction to pre/non-operative trans women as a fetish creates, I fear, a catch 22. I remember being appalled once that a friend of mine had pulled a ‘chaser’. Why was this man aroused by breasts and a penis on the same body? What was wrong with him?

If we broke this cycle of fear and ridicule, these men might learn to treat trans women better. This includes, perhaps, a bit more patience and less condemnation heaped on them by trans women themselves.

But isn’t pinning the locus of desire onto a certain body part a fetish by definition – even if this is widely accepted as normal? It certainly goes with Lacan and Freud’s ideas about polymorphous perversion before the ego separates and absolute jouissance ends.

Should desire for the body always stem from desire for the person and not desire-for-the-body applied onto the person?

Some suggest a distinction between ‘chasers’ who see trans people as elements of a preconceived fantasy and those who want the person, sex-variant body included. Consider: “I fancy her because she’ll be my submissive Oriental flower” versus “I fancy her because I fancy her, and part of that is her almond eyes and silky black hair”. There’s also, of course, a big difference between somebody saying “I don’t usually find Asian men attractive” and “I don’t fancy Asian men”. But how about “I don’t fancy brunettes” – is that acceptable?

And what about a man who wants to bed ‘Daphne’ because she’s a woman, versus a man who has fallen for Daphne? Does it always have to be the latter?

Of course, some people just fall in love and genitals are a secondary consideration.

Either way, there should be no judgement placed on anybody’s sexual attractions. So long as it is consensual and they experience pleasure, maybe even love, why should male ‘chasers’ be excluded from this? Surely this also applies to anyone who’s turned on by a man with a vagina.

The Borghese Hermaphroditus

The Borghese Hermaphroditus

I say this as someone who has suffered some of the very worst male behaviour, ranging from violence to simple lack of tact. Behold this line from a male friend, describing our first meeting: “It was at that party, remember, I was chatting you up… then someone told me”. Thanks, Lee. Make me feel special why don’t you?

I don’t believe in blanket bans but, still, if someone isn’t attracted to certain genitalia, what can you do? Likewise if they are. Ultimately, we’ve all got different bits and we either like them or we don’t – and other people have a right to feel that way too.

The problem, if there is one, is ‘radical’ feminists and other prudes in cisgender society imposing ideology on mere sexual desire. Should we define or compartmentalise sexual orientation? Describing behaviour which defies heteronormative strictures as fetishistic destroys self-esteem and propels a vicious cycle.

I can imagine a very different world where no man need ever feel ashamed to introduce the woman of his dreams to his mum, whatever her genital configuration.

If a bad girl like me can do it…


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16 thoughts on “TRANNY SHAGGERS

  1. theonyxdoll says:

    Wonderful and thought provoking writing again Paris. This is a topic that I wrestle with on a daily basis. The constant niggle of WHY men find us attractive. I am grateful that someone else in the world thinks about the same topic and has now managed to write about it in such a logical way.

  2. helene says:

    so romantic…

  3. leftytgirl says:

    Thanks for this Paris. I share a lot of the sentiments you’ve expressed in here… like, the idea of defining an orientation and just drawing an absolute, dark line circle around it… personally, I identify as queer, usually date women (cis and trans), but have dated a few men in the past and am always open to the possibility if the right guy were to turn up. I like ‘queer’ in a lot of ways because it seems there is an intentional vagueness to it– at least in my mind. I would like to think that we have our desires, then we come up with some word that at least approximately describes those desires, rather than doing the opposite: coming up with a word and then afterwards trying to shove our desires into the confines of that narrow identity (whether due to social pressure or whatever reason).

    • leftytgirl says:

      Also, I get the reluctant thoughts around this idea of calling people that are attracted to us ‘chasers’… sometimes there are contexts where that word makes a lot of sense, but sometimes I’ve seen that word applied in a more harsh way, where it’s almost like punishing someone just because things didn’t work out the way one partner in the relationship imagined. I don’t think that kind of thing helps us in the long run.

    • ParisLees says:

      I’m a big fan of queer, remember being on the night bus with my friend and we were reading a lesbian magazine and discussing a feature which used ‘queer’ and we just saying how we don’t really use the word that much but we both feel comfortable with it… then these guys started giving us really funny looks and tried to intimidate me by standing close to me and staring at the magazine. It really surprised me because I forget just how homophobic many people still are. That’s why I like queer, it’s such a broad catch-all for anybody who doesn’t fit into the heteronorm.

      • leftytgirl says:

        Yeah, I’ve had those kind of experiences as well. In fact, a couple times I came close to throwing a punch in a situation like that (maybe not the smartest thing in the world… but hey, someone’s gotta keep an eye out for this lady).

        As for not fitting the heteronorm, I’ll admit I took some satisfaction from reading the line, “(I’ve also romanced a fair few women…)” hmm… now I can think, maybe someday ;)

        xo

  4. sarahwilson01 says:

    Wow. I like this because it makes my brain work harder than it has done for a long time. I construct my own narrative about love and sexual attraction based upon the sense that I love the person first; their configuration thereafter. This article demands that I interrogate that narrative, which is as valuable as it is tiring. What it DOESN’T do is question my own validity. I am who I am; I am configured the way I am. And that’s fine. This is a ceviche of desire and identity, not a luke-warm bain-marie of sentimentality. And it’s better present for today than the chocolate eggs that I’m going to start scoffing in a few hours time.

  5. Steve A says:

    Hate to say this, but you got this one wrong overall (albeit with some very correct, valid points within it).

    Have read you for a while and enjoyed pretty much everything that you have written, but you are losing points here. You are doing here to men that are attracted to transexual women what you fight against on a daily basis.

    Read this post again in 5 years.

    • ParisLees says:

      I’m confused – did you read all of this post? The thrust of my argument is that no one should be judged for their sexual attractions. The second point is that men who desire trans women would probably treat those trans women better if society didn’t make things so difficult for them.

      I also suggest that trans women should maybe be a little bit kinder to such men – whilst being very candid about the fact I have had some bad experiences in the past and have been guilty of having perhaps unfair thoughts about these men myself. None of it attacks such men.

      In all kindness, can I ask what it was about my blog that you found objectionable?

      • sarahlizzy says:

        Re being kinder, the issue I have with chasers is that the only encounters I have had with them have been overwhelmingly negative and almost always involve being accosted in the street and pestered. One simply walked up me in broad daylight on Brighton Beach and asked, “how much?”, another cornered me on Charing Cross Road and spent some time trying to quite forcefully get me to accompany him to a porn cinema before I ducked round his arms and ran away (literally – I had to, he was following me).

        I’m entirely down with being kind to people, but when they’re thrusting themselves in my face, demanding sex, without even having said “hello” first, it gets a bit much.

  6. Lucy Melford says:

    I follow you (yes, I really do – see my own ‘Lucy Melford’ blog if you think I speak with forked tongue) for this kind of straight-from-the-shoulder stuff. You don’t theorise. You’ve been there and done it, and what you explain is worth treating as The Word. I am not a slavish admirer, and I’m so much older than you that I live in sedimentary rocks as a living fossil. However, I’m of the opinion that much of the ground you cover has wide application, even to living fossils, and contemplation of it might lead to a successful resistance to the Conventional Forces that would destroy us.

    I was out with a friend last night, for instance, in Brighton. We are both now in that post-op phase where overt tranny stuff is way in the past, and we just want to be taken as two girls having a quiet chat in a pub on a Saturday night. We did not want to be bothered by jerks and leering tourists. Not that a living fossil and a credible surfing babe should get so bothered. We were in fact having an intense conversation about my friend’s Career Prospects and her Best Course of Action. This was an entirely normal pub – the Seven Stars in the Lanes, in fact – and it was full of girls in groups, youngish hetero couples, one gay male foursome sitting right next to us, two mature man-and-wife duos, and not a jerk or goggling tourist in sight. And no silly teenagers either. This was an adults-only pub. And the everyone behaved as adults. One girl (sat at a distant table) did look at me more than once, but not with a frown or a nudge. I don’t think any guy gave us so much as a glance. (Of course fossils are invisible to all but palaeontologists, but my friend was 20 years younger, and 20 years prettier) An excellent place to be, then. And afterwards we got adult treatment on the way to our tapas meal, then at the restaurant, and then after that as we mingled with leggy girls having fun all dressed up as hotel maids and carrying huge inflatable plastic dicks. They were extremely fetching and merry in their Hen Night get-ups, but they took us seriously too, one girl breaking off to tell me where they were headed. Speaking for myself, I wished I could have joined in, but I lacked a plastic dick to wave. (You can never get your hands on one when you need it, don’t you find?)

    Anyway…did we at any point need to demand respect? No. Did we feel like potential dirty little secrets? No. That’s because we weren’t looking for sex, just another drink. (We ended up in Doctor Brighton’s). But had we (or at least had I) joined the revellers, then I think the men you describe would have made their interest known, mobile numbers would have been exchanged in the pressure or excitement of the moment, and there would have been follow-up texts or calls. And a series of let-down experiences would have begun.

    I have little doubt that your story so far (not the media and journo bits, just the downbeat heartwounding) would have been re-run on Planet Lucy. True, I’d have no dick to offer, ‘only’ a vagina, but I’d expect at least a few of these men to stay the course, overcome their disappointment, and treat me like a dog before squashing me flat, raking my face with their stubble, and boring me to death with their grunts. That’s why I am grateful for tips on what to say to these gentlemen.

    Lucy

    • ParisLees says:

      Hey Lucy, thanks for stopping by to comment. I think you make a really good point about not having to demand respect or feel like a dirty little secret if you’re not actively seeking sexual liaisons. I know that many of the situations I put myself in the past were exactly that – situations I had put myself in. I know that many young women who do the same find that they are treated with less respect than the men they come into contact with.

      I’m glad you had a great night out in Brighton and you certainly don’t need to be on the pull for that. As for things to say to these gentlemen… well, your guess is as good as mine. I just used to bat my eyelids and giggle Tried and tested!

  7. tanyabloomfield says:

    I have nothing against men who are attracted to Trans women, I do have a problem though with how some of them approach and treat us. I’d love to have someone in my life but those that think they have the right to hunt me down.

    So to call them chasers in my opinion is quite appropriate.

    I look forward to the day where someone likes me for me, not my past or my future.

  8. Jane Owen says:

    Samantha Brick ! you are too good looking and not arrogant enough to be her! Not that i would want to be Samantha either.

  9. Jeremy Marsh says:

    Thank you very much for writing this. As a man primarily attracted to pre-op/non-op trans women (though I am not turned off by fully transitioned girls at all), I often wake up feeling like a prick, because nearly every time I stumble upon a YouTube video or blog post by a trans person, people like me are made out to be creeps. So, thanks again for being such an accepting person. This really brightened my day.

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